Time to start doing this again.
To start writing.
To take the time to write.
To find some sort of a way to snatch the whirling thoughts and hopes and fears and memories and aching that spin around me knocking me into places of numbness and antipathy then back into manic moments of dreaming and back into reality....to grab these things and put them down in some sort of order so that they don't completely cover the little bit of the breathing hole that God keeps open in the ice that threatens to close in over my head.
I'm so tired.
Tired of doing it all, and then being tired of being tired that I did it all.
Tired of choosing to not hope because I know the downside of it all to well.
Tired of sitting in the same stupid place....a place I know I hate....but I don't leave because all of the ways out that I have tried have cost me a huge chunk of my heart and I'm feeling like there isn't much left of it at all.
But I'm also tired of not moving.
Tired of seeing what healing looks like for everyone but me.
Tired of wishing.
Tired of forcing joy, and then having to admit that I don't even know what is authentically me anymore.
It's time.
God, You have shown me so many times that thought study and prayer and then writing and processing that You speak to me. Let this desire and effort not melt away as life pours in and threatens my time. Help me to not give into myself...and to find the "self" You have fore me. Now, not the self of the past of the self I imagined and sometimes grieve....but the self that is the best thing I can be today. Let me behold the thing You're doing...and step into it. Let me feel your pushing and presence. Restore the sparkle to my eyes.
Amen.
Psalm 13:5-6
Psalm 27:14
